Every individual comes into relationships with expectations.
The expectations that one might have are endless. Sometimes those expectations are conscious. Sometimes, they are not recognized until the moment of disappointment.
Here are three of the most sabotaging expectations that cause relationships to suffer:
- “If they really loved me they would know what I needed.”
Assume that your partner does not know what you need. People are not mind readers. No one can know what you want from them in every moment without you expressing your needs directly.
When you withhold your needs from your partner you are depriving yourself of true happiness. If you want to be in a highly functioning relationship, learn to communicate your needs. Some people think that it’s easy to tell their partner what they want, but often times it’s not. Communicate your honest desires. Be as forthcoming as possible. And if you’re nervous or apprehensive for any reason, it’s okay to say that too.
- “I should love my partner unconditionally.”
No, you absolutely should not.
Healthy love between consenting intimate partners is not unconditional.
While you should absolutely make an effort to have a deep and resilient love for your intimate partner, there are certain conditions that, if broken, are going to have an impact on your love for them (or on the relationship itself).
Maybe they hit you. Maybe they have come home drunk every night for weeks on end and it’s affecting the relationship. Maybe they haven’t said a word to you in over a week. Would your love not become conditional if any of these were to occur?
Healthy love is conditional. If you are expecting reasonable things to be occurring (“treating me like a king/queen every single day” doesn’t count) and they aren’t occurring, that can be grounds for the relationship to end.
- “It shouldn’t take work.”
Relationships take work.
There’s this romantic notion that if a relationship is destined to work out, then it should work out… with no effort or intentionality from the partners involved. It should function on autopilot. It should be effortless. And there should never be anything that feels like “work.”
It’s important for couples to “talk about the relationship.” Maybe this sounds unromantic, but the reality is that this will strengthen the emotional connection with your partner. One way to do this is to schedule a weekly time to talk about how things are going. What did you appreciate this week? What disappointed you this week? What quality time will you arrange for the next week?
Remember that your relationship is your love investment, something to be nurtured. When we don’t do the “work” the nurturing comes to a halt.